How to Drive a Guy Away

If you have ever been to high school, you would know that in all reality, it’s just one big game. There are some students who may care about their education and avidly participate in extra curricular, but one should not be too quick to assume that this is what all high school students are after. School, for most teens, is simply about one thing and one thing only: relationships. Some teenagers are better at this game than others. In fact, a large percentage of our student body could probably go professional with their witty pick up lines and subtle winks and smirks. I, on the other hand, know all the ins and outs of being an utter and complete failure in mastering these skills. Thinking about it, who really needs to spend time making themselves up just to impress a boy? If you want to live the life of a proud and single lady, you must follow these steps so that you too can be a benchwarmer of this “High School Game”.

Step One: Find the Guy

            In the realm of mortal men, only a select few can help you to be successful in the task of driving a guy away. You must choose carefully because if you end up with the guy that’s right for you, you’re going to end up having to change the lovely Facebook status, possibly for good. Being picky is key. Don’t fall for the sweet-talkers and the “boy next door” kind of people. In order to achieve your goal, you must set your standards high. So high, in fact, that it is almost inexcusable to not have selected the captain of the hockey team. Once you have undoubtedly overestimated your skills, it’s time for the real work to begin.

Step Two: The First Talk

            Get real, we live in the 21^st century: a world thriving off of technologies and screen-to-screen communication. Though you may believe that talking in person is the first step, texting is the actual route all girls should be aiming for. Try your hardest to have him ask for your number. If he does, yay for you! When he doesn’t, however, you’ve probably already made it obvious that you want to hook up with him so you might as well just ask for his. To maintain all possible cool, when you inquire him for his digits, don’t just shyly ask: tell! Demand that he spill the beans and eventually, you’ll win him over.

Step Three: Start Out Slow

            Start by asking him tons of questions. Do this simply as a safety precaution because no one should ever get into a relationship with a stranger! You must know everything.  Find out the food he likes, his favorite actors, and most importantly, his mom’s name. Remember that there is still the slight probability that the two of you could get married, and how embarrassing would it be if you had to ask your mother-in-law her name? You should always be on top of these kind of things.

Step Four: Taking Turns

            Never let him start a conversation. Some may say that you need to take turns with who texts, calls, or talks who, but keep your end goal in mind! Texting him first lets him know that you are still interested. Make sure you adorn your starting texts with lots of smiley faces as well. You want him to think that you are always happy to talk to him! Note: lots of smiley faces.

Step Five: Be Patient: Wait For Him To Make the Move

            By the second day of your engagement, if he hasn’t already asked you out, he is obviously the quiet type and is waiting for you to ask him. At first, you should start by bringing up ideas you think are fun for couples to do. If this freaks him out, don’t panic. It’s probably just because he wasn’t expecting you to be able to read his mind so well. Tell him that you really like food and see where the conversation goes. If it still doesn’t end with a date, continue bringing up the topic until some sign of life comes from his end. When that happens, again, don’t ask. Tell him that the two of you are going out to lunch. Eventually, he should comply.

Step Six: Don’t Be Nervous, Just Be Yourself

            When the two of you go out on your date, make sure you remain silent. Don’t answer his questions with complete sentences like you usually would. You must keep him guessing. After following the first five steps, he probably thinks you are pretty out there. Being quiet will confuse him and bring the perfect atmosphere for growth. You’re probably going to be very nervous during this endeavor so don’t flip out. Just because no one in the whole world gets nervous on their first date like you do doesn’t mean you can’t handle it! Just stay quiet and everything will be fine.

Step Seven: Make Friends With His Friends

            Just from observation, it’s obvious that guys don’t like it when girls invade their personal space. Give him room so that you can nurture the mutual respect you have for each other. Don’t mention his friends ever. In fact, if you want, you can playfully make fun of the fact that he has no friends. If he asks you if you want to meet them, turn away! Assume that he’s thinking you’re too good for him, and he’s trying to set you up with someone new. Put your foot down and draw the line! Let him know that you’re still independent and he should be too, in the kindest and gentlest way. You have to want him.

Step Eight: Become Close

            By this point, you should know everything about your man. If you haven’t already, stalk him on Facebook, Twitter, Insta, or whatever social media site he may have. If he has more than one, make a day out of rummaging through his past posts and pictures. Clean up your web page as well. Post lots of pictures of you with other guys to make it seem like if things don’t work out, you have other places to turn to. Jealousy always leads to greater unity.

Step Nine: Make it Official

Don’t tell your friends about anything that has been going on up to this point. If you do, he might begin to think that you’re trying to show him off. Guys don’t like girls who treat them like trophies, so keep him a secret! He’ll appreciate it. If he asks to seal the deal, be apprehensive at first. Again, try to keep him guessing to keep him interested. When he doesn’t, change your relationship status anyway. It’ll be like a happy surprise to him that you want to further your relationship.

Step Ten: Happily Ever After

            By now, your boy should be sprinting in the other direction. Congratulations! You’ve mastered these vital skills and can now continue life forever alone in peace! If, however, the man hasn’t left you at this point, refer to step one. You have obviously found the right guy.  

-The Princess